Movie Reviews

Monday, May 26, 2003

“Led by Professor Xavier Cugat (played by Gene Luck Picard), once a polyrhythmic bandleader and now a superfreak who can play drums with his mind, a band of good mutants works to protect the fate of all mutants and to have them accepted as equals all over the world. Cugat runs a school for band class with its own jet, and has assembled a squadron of crimefighters like: Wolfman Guy (Hugh Jackman) has the withering looks of a man coming from a Flock of Seagulls lookalike contest for werewolves; Sprinkles the Weather Girl (Halle Berry) wears a lame-ass white wig necessary for being able to create tornadoes and hurricanes with her breath; Mr. Sunglasses (James Marsden) who has really expensive Oakleys that can shoot fire; Dr. Dorian Gray (Famke Jannsen) can read people’s minds and control matter too, but the picture of her she keeps in the attic cannot; Bandit (Anna Paquin) is a prematurely graying teen who can suck your soul out with a French kiss (and really, this isn’t so impressive. My mother is able to crush souls with her words). There are dozens of others, including Nitro, Pyro, Chilly Willy, Dick Face, Juan Valdes, and the new addition Earthworm (Alan Cumming) who does a delicious Cabaret rendition throughout the entire movie without once wondering whether it’s really fucking annoying. You go for it, Earthworm!”

Mr. Filthy…